


let your feelings control

by chanheepretty



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Cute, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Neck Kissing, Psychology, Strangers to Lovers, Tutoring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:41:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29299062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanheepretty/pseuds/chanheepretty
Summary: hyunjae, after three months of meeting juyeon, started to understand the circle of thoughts and feelings and actions.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 76





	let your feelings control

the first time hyunjae saw juyeon was in the emptiness of the psychology class. class was a disrespectful way to call the room; hall was more correct. at least fifty rows of benches were aligned perfectly right across the wooden door that gave enter and exit access into the hall. each row was divided into six benches; each bench could comfortably fit three students sitting together.

one student sat in one of the benches by the huge window that brought in most of the light, if not all, into the huge room. while it could seem that one human would make no difference in the empty room to hyunjae, he was wrong about that. even if it were one man, not much taller or broader than him, the hall felt like it had an excess of people present. 

juyeon always heard he had that type of vibe, aura. one that made his handsomeness either attract or push away people he met. his hair somehow always perfectly styled even right after waking up. his charcoal strands making the tan of his skin show off more. his eyes dark, cat-like, definitely one of his most attractive features. his nose was pointed, not small but not annoyingly big; just the perfect fit for his face. he wouldn’t consider his lips to be full but they weren’t thin either; a perfect fit, again. 

overall, his features were magnificently fitted together. he was a candy to the eyes, truly. and hyunjae, no denying, was a lover of sweets. yet, hyunjae found it weird, awkward even, to go and sit beside the graceful man when they didn’t know each other at all and every other seat was empty. hyunjae’s mind couldn’t think of any excuse either, what would he say? ‘hey, i kind of got struck by your beauty, can i please sit and stare at you the whole lecture?’ he couldn’t do that, that was pretty disturbing.

hyunjae gripped his notebook tighter in his arm and walked further into the room, steps light and breathing heavier than normal. juyeon’s head lifted up from his phone once he sensed another presence. his eyes trailed slowly from hyunjae’s sneakers to his light jeans and grey shirt that had a double rider leather jacket opened over it. 

juyeon smiled at the neat style before he looked at hyunjae’s face. his eyes first noticed the hesitant twitch in hyunjae’s lips before they were tugged into a natural smile that was all too blindingly beautiful. juyeon saw hyunjae’s cheeks rising up and his eyes sinking back ever so slightly in his face when his teeth were on full display. 

hyunjae stood still for a second or two before taking a few more steps and sitting in one of the middle benches. he set his notebook down and glanced at juyeon’s back, quickly averting his eyes again to the yellow cartoon in front of him. “im juyeon, by the way. lee juyeon.” his head snapped up at the hoarse voice he heard, a rush of heat and red color flaring up in his system to cover his ears and cheeks slowly. 

“im lee hyunjae. it’s nice to meet you.” hyunjae managed to keep his voice calm and breathing steady in his introduction, depending on his smile to make the good first impression. juyeon sat sideways, his elbow resting on the back of his seat while his fingers twirled a pen between them. “is it your first major? psychology or something in this field?” hyunjae shook his head, the heat rush only darkening his skin further.

“i only have this class left to graduate. i majored in literature but failed this class last year, so im taking it again this year to hopefully pass and graduate properly.” juyeon pursed his lips, forming an ‘o’ shape that moved up and down with his nods. “i hope you pass then, maybe i can help if you need something i understood well?” hyunjae scratched the back of his neck and nodded with a tight smile, watching the other nod again and look at him for a moment before turning around again.

hyunjae moved his hair back then patted it down on his head when his eyes were met with the broad shoulders again. “is it your major?” hyunjae rapidly asked, realizing that it could be disrespectful to not ask the question back. juyeon chuckled and shook his head while he turned around to look at hyunjae, “studied biology for two years but i felt very disconnected from all the scientific world. so im here now to study sociology as a major. i feel like i could go well in it.” hyunjae hummed and nodded, licking his lips out of habit. 

he wanted to talk more with juyeon. he wanted to ask him about biology and the things he learned before or the different classes he had to take but he couldn’t. one student walked into the hall and in a quick minute, the benches were half-filled. he smiled and nodded at the boy that sat beside him, awkwardly looking at juyeon’s back again. he saw him smiling and conversing with the girl that sat beside him, noting the friendly nature of the man. 

the lecture ended as soon as it started. hyunjae was determined to get everything written down in notes, he wanted to just study and memorize everything being said, get to the exam, write them down, pass and graduate. he didn’t hate psychology; he just couldn’t grasp the full concept of it. he could understand biology’s science of life, chemistry’s science of chemicals, physics’ science of matter and atoms and energy and electric charges and all that. 

but psychology? the science of mind and behavior? studying feelings and thoughts and actions of people? he couldn’t understand that. everyone is different, how could anyone just simply put people under action and emotion laws? he would never understand. he scanned over his notes once class was dismissed and sighed. he felt helplessness starting to grow in his mind again. he looked up after shutting his notebook, remembering he had to leave as soon as possible to reach the elementary school he was teaching in. 

hyunjae picked up his notebook and quickly slid out of the seat, grabbing his pen on his way and skipping towards the door. he fetched his keys out of his pocket while rushing to the parking lot, mumbling useless apologies as he bumped into different students on his way. he finally reached his car and got in, dropping the notebook and pen on the passenger seat before turning the engine on and driving off to his destination. 

hyunjae was accepted to teach in an elementary school that was close enough to both his apartment and university. he taught three hours every school day, going between teaching language to fifth and sixth graders and teaching basic writings and calligraphy to first and second graders. he fairly enjoyed his job; it paid well enough for him to eat properly and spend a day outside having fun every week. 

for university, his psychology class was every tuesday and friday in the early morning. he was very punctual and hated to be late, so he was always five minutes earlier to class in all his university years. even now, with only one despised class, he was in his seat five minutes earlier. the hall was empty again, even juyeon wasn’t there yet. hyunjae felt kind of disappointed. he was looking forward to seeing the other boy again, talking with him again.

hyunjae hated that about himself; a few appealing sentences from a handsome boy and he would instantly be attached. he heard a chuckle when he sighed and broke off his trail of thoughts. “upset already in the morning?” hyunjae looked up at juyeon when he spoke. he was holding his notebook over his chest, smiling down widely at the seated boy. “ah, it’s not like that. im not upset, just having some thoughts.” hyunjae shook his head and ruffled his hair for a second, fixing it down again as fast as he could. 

“well, would you like to share if i sit next to you?” juyeon rose his eyebrows when he asked his question, anticipating the answer. hyunjae stared blankly at juyeon for a moment, blinking a couple of times before sliding into the bench to make space for juyeon to sit. “it isn’t important, really.” hyunjae trailed, refusing to remember how he was thinking about the boy beside him, who he met only once before today. 

“you left too quickly last time.” juyeon didn’t push for an answer, simply changed the subject in the smoothest and most natural way ever. “i couldn’t give you my number so that you call when you need help.” the heat attacked hyunjae’s skin rapidly this time, skipping pink and coloring his paleness with a crimson red. hyunjae saw juyeon glance at the new color over his skin even if he didn’t say anything. 

hyunjae held back his whine and nodded with the most natural smile he could manage, facing juyeon, “yeah, i had to be at the school. i had a class to teach directly after the lecture.” juyeon shifted in his seat slightly to face hyunjae, interest showing on his features at the new information he just learned, “you teach? that’s very nice. i think teaching is pretty cool, and intelligent.” hyunjae saw juyeon’s pen twirling between his fingers again, was it a habit for the dark-haired boy to twirl the pen whenever he talked? “yeah, i like teaching a lot, actually.” hyunjae looked up at juyeon’s face again, smiling and continuing on their conversation even when he saw the students pile in. 

on their second meeting, juyeon and hyunjae did exchange numbers at the end of the lecture. and for every other lecture, they did sit together. they talked together every now and then while the professor was explaining something. they sometimes used each other’s pens for their notes, hyunjae sometimes looking too long at juyeon’s increasing notes he forgot to write in his own notebook. other times, hyunjae looked at juyeon too long.

hyunjae felt the seconds he was looking at juyeon increase one lecture after the other. he couldn’t help but stare sometimes. couldn’t help but stare at the sparkle lighting up juyeon’s dark eyes before answering a question he knew. couldn’t help but tilt his head to watch juyeon excitedly raising his arm and participating in theories and naming philosophers and their theories about the topic. hyunjae could feel juyeon’s passion and legitimate interest in psychology and he hoped the younger could transfer some intelligence into his brain so he could pass.

lectures went on and exams were right around the corner. juyeon reminded hyunjae of their agreement on studying together so that juyeon can make everything simpler and easier for hyunjae to grasp and take in. one thing hyunjae couldn’t also grasp was the nerves and anxiousness fueling up his heartbeat while he waited for juyeon to come into the restaurant and start their ‘tutoring session’. him and juyeon did go out after every friday lecture to get some light breakfast at the cafeteria for a few minutes before juyeon goes to his next class and hyunjae to his job, so why was he a mess now?

hyunjae sipped on his water slowly, rubbing his hands over his thighs as he tried to stop the small bounce in his leg every other second. he flipped his notebook pages, reading over his highlighted notes that he needed help with when he felt a hand rub on his shoulder for a second and a body plop down on the chair in front of him. “hey, sorry im late, someone in class was copying my notes and she took a little longer than i expected.” juyeon reasoned as he poured himself a glass of water from the bottle on the table and drank half of it.

“did you order already? or should we study then eat?” hyunjae smiled and shrugged, moving his hands to his lap to fiddle with his fingers without anyone seeing that. “if you are hungry we can order now and eat, then study.” juyeon nodded and smiled, grabbing the menu that was pushed away from the center of the table to read through it, “what do you want to eat? i will get pasta.” hyunjae took the menu from juyeon’s hands and read through the pages before sighing, “i will have some chicken, then.” he pouted slightly after that, why did he never know what to order beside some chicken, for goodness sake.

juyeon watched hyunjae struggle by himself for a second before calling over a waiter and ordering for them, concluding hyunjae wasn’t going to do that. after ordering, he shifted his full attention to the teacher in front of him. juyeon rested his cheek in his palm, his elbow sitting on the table while his foot kicked hyunjae’s innocently under the table. the weak press made hyunjae jolt nonetheless, gasping and looking at juyeon with wide eyes while juyeon just laughed by himself.

“are you stressed about the exam?” hyunjae pouted and nodded, pinching the tip of his nose. “that and the fact that i cant get myself to order anything other than roasted chicken wherever i go.” hyunjae rambled on. he felt comfortable enough with juyeon to complain about things like that, “sometimes i eat chicken five times per week. i love it a lot, i just wish i could bring myself to order something new and try it. im sure there are many delicious things on the menu, i just have to be like this.” 

juyeon cooed quietly at the sulking figure sitting across him before he chuckled rather loudly. “that’s fine. here’s the deal, you can take my pasta and i will eat your chicken. if you don’t like the pasta then we will switch again, hm?” hyunjae whined and scrunched his nose briefly at juyeon, nodding in agreement. when the food was served, they did just like that. hyunjae delightfully enjoyed the pasta and juyeon liked the chicken as well. the food went well in the system and so did the information that juyeon patiently explained for hyunjae. 

they studied for an hour, both deciding to meet every weekday after hyunjae’s done with his teaching for the next two weeks before the exam. the first week went by smoothly, juyeon facilitating the notes for hyunjae and hyunjae starting to get the whole concept of this whole science. 

hyunjae, after three months of meeting juyeon, started to understand the circle of thoughts and feelings and actions. he was able to understand why his thoughts would drift to a specific tall man with a handsome face whenever he saw a spot he wanted to visit with someone or whenever he saw a good movie he wanted to re-watch with someone. he understood why psychology called thoughts as ‘manipulating information’. 

he also understood why his notes said that thoughts manipulate feelings. whenever his thoughts manipulated his vision to see juyeon sleeping on his bed when he entered his bedroom, a sensational feeling filled up his body. from his toes to the tip of his hairs, electric shots tugged his nerves and goosebumps rose on his skin. most times he even shivered at the imagination, quickly rubbing over his arms and shaking his head to come back to reality. 

his feelings were also realized when his mind asked him short questions when he saw romance movies. ‘would juyeon be the one to hold my hand first or do i have to reach out first?’ hyunjae mostly thought about that, feeling his heart stop for a second before pumping what seemed like too much blood out into his body. he feared his actions when his thoughts manipulated his feelings more than he could control. actions come after thoughts and feelings, don’t they? the circle goes from thoughts to feelings to actions to thoughts again.

the last wednesday before the exam, hyunjae felt too exhausted to go out and meet juyeon. so, he called the younger, asked him to come to his apartment instead, to which juyeon agreed. it took him around half an hour to find the apartment and finally be inside the safety of hyunjae’s humble place. “your apartment’s cute and clean.” juyeon commented as he kicked off his shoes and walked in, sitting down on the floor where he saw hyunjae’s papers scattered around.

hyunjae quickly rushed to pile them up, crouching down and rapidly organizing the students’ exams he was correcting. “you can continue correcting and we can start a little bit later, we don’t have much left anyway.” hyunjae looked up at juyeon’s suggestion, holding the papers in his hands for a minute. he nodded, putting them down on the floor again and looking at juyeon, “drink? i’ve made myself some tea because i seem to be catching a cold, do you want some?”

“tea would be wonderful.” juyeon smiled and nodded, rubbing his hands together for a second. hyunjae got up and headed to the kitchen, preparing a cup of tea in no time, the water already hot. he went back and set the cup carefully on the table, smiling naturally at juyeon who leaned forward to grab the cup. hyunjae moved around and sat beside juyeon, grabbing his pen and the unfinished paper to continue correcting it. “i only have like five more papers, i wont take long, i promise.”

juyeon chuckled and shook his head, leaning over hyunjae to watch him correct. “it’s okay, i don’t mind watching you correct the papers.” hyunjae gripped his pen tighter and the check mark came out darker than the rest. hyunjae’s heart was pumping rapidly yet again and his hands were starting to shake. he couldn’t concentrate properly on what was in his hands, his thoughts drifting to the man sitting close beside him and igniting his desired feelings for him. 

“i will do these later; i don’t need them now. let’s study.” hyunjae nodded and messily piled up the sheets, getting up to discard them on the one-seat couch in the room, turning back to juyeon. the younger sipped his drink while watching hyunjae stumble over himself, obviously bothered, or maybe stressed out, by something. “where were we?” he sat down again and opened his notebook when he asked juyeon.

juyeon tilted his head slightly to the side and settled his half-empty cup on the table. he turned to face hyunjae, looking at him straight in the eyes as he replied, “thoughts, feelings and actions. did you understand the circle?” hyunjae’s memory quickly replayed his discoveries and understandings of the first two parts of the circle, stuck on the third point now. 

he nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. “i kind of understood the whole manipulative information rising feelings in me, im stuck on the actions. i don’t get it much, am i not supposed to have control of actions? i get i may not control my thoughts or feelings most of the time, but shouldn’t i at least control my actions?” hyunjae moved his hands around as he explained his point of view, gripping on his cotton sweat pants when he finished.

“when you’re feeling so hurt and upset, can you control your tears?” hyunjae was dumbfounded at the question, of course he cannot control them when he is hurt and upset. even if they don’t roll down, they still swim in his eyes and that is crying too. when juyeon didn’t get an answer, he asked more, “when you’re hungry and there’s a table full with food in front of you, can you control yourself and not eat? when you’ve ran one kilometer and you see a bottle of water, can you control yourself and not drink?” 

hyunjae rubbed his hands over his face when juyeon was ending his last question, “i could! i mean, i could if i have enough willpower. i could.” juyeon nodded and sat up properly, “it’s not always necessary for feelings to control your actions. even if your feelings are powerful or deep enough, you can still control your actions perfectly fine. for example, if your neighbor gets in a car accident, you would feel upset and worried for him but you could still stay calm and in control, feelings do not always mean actions. now let me ask you this, if your girlfriend got in a car accident, can you stay calm?”

“boyfriend.” juyeon rose his eyebrow at hyunjae’s not related answer, but he understood. he reformulated the question again, “let’s say you’re dating someone, have been together for six months and suddenly your phone rings and it is from the hospital. your boyfriend got into a car accident, what would you do?” 

hyunjae tightened his grip on his sweat pants, his eyes going wide for a second while visions appear in front of him. boyfriend? car accident? no way he could stay calm. he would go crazy and probably run however he is to be with him and make sure he’s okay. he would sob and scream and break everything if his boyfriend was gone. his world would end if anything happened to juyeon.

hyunjae fervently shook his head, laughing before covering his face and taking in shallow breaths just at the thought of it. “i would go insane if something happens to you.” he mumbled absentmindedly, his head still clouded with the scene that almost felt too real for him to handle. “to me?” juyeon asked when he saw hyunjae’s chest rise and fall normally again. “am i your boyfriend?”

hyunjae gathered his thoughts and realized the way his tongue slipped and what he said. he was insane, why would he say that? he quickly shook his hands in front of him simultaneously with his head, his breathing starting to go shallow and quick again, “no no. shit, im so sorry for saying that. i didn’t mean for it to be like that, i promise, it just slipped.” juyeon dejectedly, hyunjae quickly noted, leaned back against the couch.

“i see. are you having control over your actions now?” hyunjae nodded. he was controlling himself from going to hug the boy in front of him and lift him up. he was controlling himself from asking the younger about the reason he looked so dejected. he has been controlling himself from grabbing juyeon and kissing him till they couldn’t breathe anymore.

“actually, you always have control over your actions. no matter how big your feelings get or how clouded your mind gets, you can always have control over your actions. even if your boyfriend gets in a car accident, you can still go calmly to the hospital without breaking anything or screaming.” juyeon looked at hyunjae as he spoke, aiming to get the idea through. “and if i give my feelings the wheel to control my actions?” hyunjae quickly asked again, sniffling quietly as he watched juyeon’s eyebrows raise.

“that’s up to you then. you still have to know that you can always control your actions no matter how you are feeling.” but hyunjae didn’t want to control his actions anymore. maybe the idea that anything could happen any moment was what made him want to lose himself in his feelings. maybe it was the fact that he did have control over his actions and he did want to do it willingly. either way, it took him three seconds to crawl to juyeon and sit on his knees beside him.

juyeon didn’t break their eye contact. he watched hyunjae come into his personal space and sit way too close to him. hyunjae moved his hand up, willingly, and nestled it in the black strands, smoothing them back for a second. his pupils shakily moved between juyeon’s while his body shakily tensed at the realization of what he was doing. he leaned down until he couldn’t differentiate between his breath and juyeon’s over his lips. their lips were barely apart when he was about to panic and pull away.

juyeon felt hyunjae’s breath hitch and his hand starting to slip from his hair. he quickly gripped hyunjae’s hips and pulled him into his chest, tilting his head slightly and glancing from hyunjae’s eyes to his lips then his eyes again. “do it. don’t hold back anymore. i want it too. i want you.” juyeon whispered against his lips, his eyes shutting before his last confession.

hyunjae didn’t waste any second after that. his lips crashed against juyeon’s as his hands gripped his hair and he straddled his hips. hyunjae didn’t care that he messed up the younger’s hair. not when juyeon’s hands were roaming all over his body, feeling whatever they could and only pulling hyunjae closer into juyeon. not when juyeon was consistently chasing after hyunjae’s lips when he tried to pull back or lift his hips away. not when he was giving themselves what they had both clearly wanted for a while.

juyeon held hyunjae closely. he pressed his hips into his whenever he felt him move away. their bodies moved rhythmically together as their lips were getting swollen from all the kissing. juyeon only pulled away after a few minutes to kiss down hyunjae’s neck. the elder groaned and tugged juyeon’s hair, a set of moans spilling from his lips as juyeon was about to bite and suck and mark his skin.

hyunjae parted his lips silently and pulled juyeon’s head away, resting it back against the couch and shaking his head. he pressed his forehead against the younger’s, feeling his hands grip firmly over his slim hips, “control, baby, yeah? remember you can always control your actions despite your feelings.” juyeon groaned at that and pulled him closer, answering back, “can we forget that for now?” 

hyunjae clicked his tongue and smiled at the boy beneath him. “we just learned that. let’s at least abide by it for now. how does that sound?” juyeon looked up at the elder, his eyes hooded already as he nodded nonetheless. “does that mean you had control over your actions and decided to kiss me and not push me off either way?” hyunjae hummed and nodded, fixing juyeon’s hair properly. “and me being your boyfriend?”

hyunjae stilled his fingers and looked at juyeon, his eyes moving over his face slowly. “do you wanna be my boyfriend?” their eyes met again and juyeon nodded in no time, “can i be your boyfriend?” he asked rather innocently and hopeful. hyunjae chuckled and nodded, smiling fondly at the other “you can be my boyfriend. we can be boyfriends.” juyeon smiled widely and bumped his head a couple of times against the couch with his eyes closed. “good. im glad about that. i’ll make you the happiest, i promise.”

juyeon hugged the elder and squeezed him gently when he voiced his promise. hyunjae smiled and sighed out contentedly, grinning wickedly after a second and pressing juyeon’s shoulders against the couch. “about forgetting the ‘you always have control’ thing... you really wanna forget it?” juyeon licked his lips and tilted his head to the side, looking at hyunjae, “or maybe, take control in the action and do it with my control?” hyunjae nodded and cupped juyeon’s face, leaning down to press their lips together, “maybe i’d like that.”


End file.
